Ask A Psychologist: Tips on how to improve empathy
In the coming weeks, I’m sharing a mini-series with you called “How I Resist the Urge to Tell People to Go F*ck Themselves.” LOL.
This not-entirely-serious-series was inspired by a conversation with a friend who was genuinely floored by how he saw me acting with empathy in a situation where he would have absolutely gone bananas. He asked, “How do you resist the urge to tell people to go f*ck themselves?”
I realized that learning some empathy skills from a therapist’s POV is something that might be interesting and helpful to many of you who face incredibly difficult situations out there every day. So, without further ado, here’s the first blog of the series: my tips for growing your empathy skills!
9 Tips to Improve Empathy, From A Therapist:
Imagine the Person as a Young Child:
Picture that annoying coworker as a toddler having a meltdown. It’s hard to stay mad when you imagine someone in diapers. When you see them as an upset child (without the skills to express themselves in a healthy way), it’s easier to feel for them a little more. Next time you’re frustrated, try this mental shift and notice how your feelings change.
2. Imagine the Person is YOUR Child, Sibling, Parent, Friend, or Someone You Love:
Think about how you would feel if someone you love was going through this instead of a stranger. It’s usually easier to have compassion and patience for someone you love. Reflect on the last time you showed patience to a loved one and try to extend that same grace to others.
3. Use Your 5 Senses to Put Yourself in Their Shoes:
Imagine seeing, hearing, smelling, touching, and tasting the world of a person. Maybe that grouchy cashier is grouchy because they’ve been dealing with impatient customers, or the A/C is broken, and they’re hot and uncomfortable. This can help you have a bit more patience and understanding when someone is getting on your nerves. Try to notice one detail about their environment that could be influencing their mood.
4. Pretend You Are an Actor Playing an Empathic Role:
Literally pretend to be a more compassionate and patient person. How would you act in this situation if you were Mother Teresa? Sometimes playing the role helps you become the role. Experiment with this next time you’re in a frustrating situation.
5. Practice Non-Judgement:
Since when have you been perfect? Everyone has their struggles, so who are we to judge someone else’s poor behavior? Instead, maybe focus on what things YOU could work on improving within yourself. Reflect on a recent time you felt judged and how it made you feel.
6. Interview Someone, Leaning into Curiosity and Not Judgement:
When someone is pissing you off, get curious. Instead of getting defensive, ask questions to better understand their POV. This is not only incredibly disarming and likely to get them to calm down, but it also sheds light on what might be making them so fussy. Practice this by asking open-ended questions in your next difficult conversation.
7. Act Like You Are on Someone’s Team:
Think of their success as your success, their pain as your pain. Commit yourself to being responsible for doing what you can to help them. Teamwork makes the dream work, right? Reflect on a time you worked well with someone and how it felt.
8. Ask Yourself “What Could Have Led to the Person Acting or Feeling This Way?”:
Play detective. What might have happened in their day or life to make them act like this? Maybe they got fired. Maybe their parent is sick. Maybe their baby was up crying all night. When you know someone’s backstory, it’s a lot easier to have compassion for their situation. Spend a moment considering possible backstories next time you encounter someone difficult.
9. Recognize Your Own Bias:
Accept that you see things through your own lens, and sometimes, you might be wrong or not see the whole picture clearly. Remember we are only getting a snippet of a person’s day when we are interacting with them, and it’s unlikely this cross-section of behavior is representative of who they really are. Acknowledge a time you realized you had misunderstood someone’s behavior.
Bonus Tips for Extra Empathy Gains:
1. Active Listening:
Really focus on understanding what the other person is saying without planning your witty comeback. It’s harder than it sounds but worth the effort. Practice by summarizing what the other person said before responding.
2. Reflective Responses:
Repeat back what they’ve said to show you’re listening and to make sure you got it right. “So what you’re saying is…” This helps clarify communication and shows empathy.
3. Mindfulness:
Stay present in the moment. Don’t let your mind wander to your grocery list while someone is pouring their heart out. Try a short mindfulness meditation to practice staying present.
4. Learn from Empathy Role Models:
Watch and learn from the empathy pros. Mr. Rogers, anyone? Find a role model and observe how they handle difficult situations.
5. Engage in Community Service:
Volunteering exposes you to different people, perspectives, and challenges. It’s great for a healthy dose of self-awareness. Consider volunteering at a local organization and notice how it impacts your empathy.
6. Practice Self-Compassion:
Picture yourself as a young child - speak to yourself kindly, forgive your mistakes, and give yourself a break. You deserve empathy too. Write a compassionate letter to yourself and read it whenever you need a reminder.
By practicing these tips, you’ll not only grow your empathy muscle but also find yourself less likely to lose your cool. Next time you’re about to tell someone to go f*ck themselves, take a deep breath, flex that empathy, and maybe just try one of today’s tips instead. Trust me, it’s worth it. Remember, empathy isn't just about others; it's also about being kind to yourself. 🌟