How I Resist the Urge to Tell People to Go F*ck Themselves: Part 2 - Engaging in Conflict
Today we’re continuing with Part 2 of our series “How I Resist the Urge to Tell People to Go F*ck Themselves.”
Ever have one of those days where someone just sets you OFF? Maybe they lied, cheated, or stole from you. Or perhaps they left a nasty comment on your social media, questioning your credibility and even your voice. Trust me, I’ve been there. But instead of snapping back, I’ve learned a few tricks to keep my cool and handle conflict like a pro. Thanks to my therapist training and some good old-fashioned empathy (like we talked about last week), I can navigate these situations with more self-control. Here's how I do it.
Step 1: Ask Yourself What Your Goal Is
When someone wrongs you, it’s easy to react emotionally. But before you do anything, take a step back and ask yourself: What do I really want out of this situation? Do I want an apology? Do I want to be heard and understood? Or do I just want to vent my frustrations?
For example, I recently received some hate comments on social media. One person questioned if I was really a therapist, while another accused me of faking my voice. My initial reaction was to fire back something snarky. But then I asked myself, what’s my goal here? Do I want to prove them wrong? Do I want to educate them? Do I want them to feel sorry? Or do I just want to preserve my peace of mind?
Reflect on your true intentions before you act. Understanding your goal can help you respond more effectively and maintain your integrity.
Step 2: Assess How Likely Your Goal Is
Once you know what you want, the next step is to assess how likely it is that you’ll achieve that goal. This involves a bit of honest self-reflection and sometimes a reality check.
Let’s go back to my social media example. If my goal is to change the minds of people who left those nasty comments, I have to ask myself: How likely is it that engaging with them will lead to a constructive conversation? In most cases, arguing with trolls on the internet doesn’t lead to a positive outcome. So, achieving my goal of changing their minds is pretty unlikely.
However, if my goal is to maintain my integrity and not stoop to their level, that’s something within my control. I can choose to respond with grace, ignore the comments, or even block the trolls if they’re being particularly nasty.
Assessing the likelihood of achieving your goal can save you a lot of energy and help you focus on what’s truly important.
Step 3: Choose How to Respond
With a clear goal in mind and a realistic assessment of achieving that goal, you can now choose how to respond. Most of the time, it’s just not worth it to engage. But other times, if there is a chance at fruitful communication and understanding, I’ll go for it and speak up. I usually try to assume that the person isn’t trying to be a jerk but has perhaps lost their way.
Remember, hurt people hurt people. Often, when someone lashes out, it’s a reflection of their own pain or insecurities. Understanding this can help you respond with empathy rather than anger.
Sometimes, people act out of survival instincts. They might lie, cheat, or steal because they’re trying to protect themselves or cope with their own issues. While this doesn’t excuse their behavior, it can help you see the situation from a different perspective.
When dealing with conflicts, I try to imagine everyone as a child. What kind of experiences might have shaped their current behavior? This doesn’t mean I condone their actions, but it does help me approach the situation with more compassion.
So, how do I resist the urge to tell people to go f*ck themselves when they’ve done me wrong? By following these three steps: asking myself what my goal is, assessing how likely it is to achieve that goal, and choosing how to respond based on that assessment. Along the way, I use empathy to guide my actions, remembering that everyone has their own struggles and that a little kindness can go a long way.
Reflective Questions:
What is my true goal in this conflict?
How likely is it that my response will achieve this goal?
How can I respond in a way that maintains my integrity and empathy?
Next time you’re faced with a conflict, try these steps. You might find that you not only handle the situation better but also feel better about yourself in the process. And who knows, you might make the world a tiny bit better in the process.. 🌟