Loneliness sucks but it's normal. Here's what to do about it
Everyone gets lonely. And while it sucks, it’s nothing to be embarrassed about. You can feel this way even if you’ve done nothing wrong.
Loneliness is the experience of lack in relationships - of something missing that should be there. Perlman and Peplau define loneliness as “a mismatch between the quantity and quality of relationships we have, and those that we want.”
When I first moved to Lisbon, I had no friends. This is not an exaggeration for sympathy points. I quite literally didn’t know a soul in the country. I had a vibrant community of people who loved me in LA where I’d called home for most of my life, but I was starting over in Lisbon.
It wasn’t easy being the new kid and I remember feeling especially lonely on the weekend when I wanted to go out, but didn’t feel I had anyone to go out with. I knew that I was worthy of friendships but my situation wasn’t reflecting that. And I knew it would take time and energy to slowly build the foundations of friendship that I eventually (gratefully!) did.
If that’s you: longing for more connection and suffering with loneliness in the present moment, I feel your pain. If you’re feeling lonely, it can weigh on you in a really upsetting way.
Lots of articles talk about how to “beat” loneliness. But I think a better way forward is perhaps to understand loneliness, what it is, where it comes from, and then explore options for what can be done about it.
Many try to ineffectively “push away” loneliness. They drink, they smoke, they eat, they scroll, they shop, they use parasocial relationships- anything to fill the void of in person relationships.
It’s important to understand that loneliness is actually a useful emotion. Loneliness is built into our programming to keep us connected to the tribe of other humans. From an evolutionary perspective, the more connected we are to the tribe, the greater our likelihood for survival. If you’re feeling lonely, it means your survival mechanisms in your brain are working to protect you.
When we feel lonely, it’s a warning sign that something isn’t ok and it’s also an invitation to do something about it. While loneliness may mean something is wrong, it is crucial to remember that it doesn’t necessarily mean that something is wrong with us.
Not all loneliness is the same experience. There are different types of loneliness - including:
Seen and understood (relational loneliness)
Professional / creative
Separate from the pack
Existential/Spiritual
Romantic
If you’re interested in me doing a video on the types of loneliness, let me know!
Knowing what types of loneliness you’re experiencing can help you understand the best way to address it.
Speaking of addressing it, what are some specific ideas of how can we create a more connected life? I shared some ideas in my previous video but I’m going to share more with you today.
Specific ideas:
Check your mindset.
I mentioned this before but it bears repeating.
You’ve heard the phrase “put yourself out there” as an important step for making friends. But putting yourself out there comes with a price - it means that you must be willing to get uncomfortable and specifically to allow yourself to be seen.
Some of you are terrified of feeling awkward or uncomfortable. I want to remind you that awkwardness is not the worst thing in the world, but loneliness might be.
Discomfort is the price we pay for growth - so discomfort goes hand in hand with making new connections.
If you’re feeling hesitant or afraid, I want to remind you to give yourself some credit - you are capable of doing hard things.
Specific idea: Something that I’ve seen gets a LOT of positive response is having the courage to create a facebook post talking about YOU and what you like to do and asking people if they want to hang out! I’ve used this before when traveling to new cities I plan to be in for an extended amount of time. Here’s an example I saw that got a lot of positive responses!
Example ideas:
2. Plan an event
Plan an event like a co-working day or a coffee shop visit or a dinner and post it in a facebook group or on social media. People are starved for opportunities to meet new people and very grateful for the chance to join in on something someone else has planned, as you can see in the example which received lots of interest.
3. Be predictable
Go the same place everyday for 3 weeks that has some foot traffic - a park, a coffee shop, a gym. Try to go at the same time everyday if possible. When you see familiar faces, say hello, or perhaps go one step further and engage in some light conversation. Ask them an easy question such as “How long have you been coming here” or “How did you learn about this place?” and let your curiosity lead your conversation. After some time it will seem easy to suggest hanging out in another context.
4. Give
Give genuine compliments to people with no expectations. If you like to cook or bake, make cookies for the office (or any group gatherings available to you). Offer assistance and support when you see opportunities to help. Giving is a way to let other people feel seen, and in doing so, they see you too.
Storytime: Once when I was walking in a park in Rome, I saw a girl on roller skates fall down and offered help so she could get up and dust herself off. I could have easily let someone else help her, or decided it would be too uncomfortable to intervene. Long story short, we ended up talking, getting along really well, and became friends!
5. Plan your week to avoid moments of isolation
Give yourself healthy habits morning, afternoon and evening and stick with your routine. When you have a plan you’re following, you’re going to feel more capable and confident, and less likely to find yourself in situations where you’re feeling stuck. Being able to
6. Go outside
Research supports that green spaces are good for our mental health. They also make it significantly easier to encounter people and make friends than it would be by staying home. Sit on a park bench, say hello to dogs, relax in a courtyard or next to a fountain. As natural gathering places, you’ll already have something in common with the people around you.
7. Move your body
Team sports are a great way to meet people. One of my good friends made friends in a new city by joining a run club. Padel, kickball, volleyball… many groups welcome beginners so you don’t even have to use your lack of experience or athleticism as an excuse.
8. Practice proximity
Put yourself in spaces where you can meet new people. Even if you don’t, make it the goal to be in those spaces. Half of forming relationships is about being in proximity to others- be it physical or virtual. Groups that meet regularly (like the ones offered on meetup.com) are a great bet as you’ll have the opportunity to see people repeatedly and build familiarity and trust.
9. Self-awareness
Knowing your strengths and your shortcomings can help you overcome obstacles to your success in relationships. Do you have a tendency to interrupt people? Or maybe you forget to wear deodorant and you don’t realize you’ve got a bit of body odor? Sometimes things we don’t realize can get in the way, so it’s important to get to know yourself and care for any wounds that might be hindering your progress. Therapy or support groups can be a great place to start exploring this. If you really struggle with social relationships - a social skills group may also be helpful.
Whatever steps you take to create connection, remember to be patient as the best things take time. And also remember that your loneliness says nothing about your worth as a human being - it’s a “state” not a “trait.” I think of a quote by one of my favorite authors:
“Mental health problems don’t define who you are. They are something you experience. You walk in the rain and you feel the rain, but, importantly, YOU ARE NOT THE RAIN.” - Matt Haig
Loneliness is something you experience, but it doesn’t define you. It’s a momentary experience you’re having and it’s not going to last forever.
BTW, my mission is help people love their lives so they never want to leave them.
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