The types of loneliness
Have you ever felt lonely despite being in a crowded room? Or felt lonely in your romantic relationship even though you had a loyal and committed partner?
There are times in my life when I’ve felt incredibly lonely - from the time I transferred schools in 4th grade, all the way to when I first moved to Lisbon.
Not all loneliness is the same. While it’s normal to experience loneliness, the way we experience it can vary greatly from person to person. Did you know there’s actually different types of loneliness, each one distinctly different from the rest? Understanding what types of loneliness you’re experiencing can help you figure out the most helpful path forward - and having a better understanding of how others experience loneliness can help you support them better.
So, what are the different kinds of loneliness? Well, there’s a bit of a debate in terms of how to categorize types. Some say there are 3 types of loneliness, others say more.
Here are the major types of loneliness I see as a psychologist:
Seen and understood -
You feel like no one knows or appreciates the real you, or the person who did is gone. It can feel daunting to open up to someone new, and scary to get vulnerable to show people your deeper layers, insecurities, idiosyncrasies.
Professional / creative -
Is when you feel loneliness in your workplace or school. You may get along with you coworkers, but you don’t feel like you have people you can be real with. Or you feel like your interests and/or values are distinctly different from the people you’re surrounded by professionally. Perhaps you’re not feeling creatively supported at work. Or, your colleagues just don’t really know you or care to, they go to happy hours and lunch together and don’t extend an invite to you.
Separate from the pack -
You feel like everyone else is together on the same team and you’re the odd man out. It's that feeling of being different, of not quite belonging, whether it's due to cultural differences, diverging values, or simply feeling out of sync with those around you. You’re the only black kid in a white school, the only person who doesn’t smoke, the only person who isn’t religious, the only person who isn’t married with kids, the only person who isn’t from a wealthy upbringing, etc. You might be the new kid at school. This is one way you can be surrounded by a crowd of people at a party and feel alone because you feel deep down “they aren’t like me” or “I don’t belong here.”
Existential/Spiritual -
You feel alone in the universe. You wonder if God cares about you. You wonder if anyone cares about you.
Romantic -
You feel the absence of a romantic connection. You long for physical and emotional intimacy and someone to share your life with. You may feel fulfilled in all other areas of your life relationally and have plenty of friends but what you are lonely for is essentially different from what you have in abundance.
Which types of loneliness have you experienced? Is there a type of loneliness you think I’m missing? Let me know!
Loneliness is never easy, but I hope that by understanding more about the experience of loneliness, that you’ll feel a greater sense of understanding yourself and perhaps also start to get some ideas for how you might move forward in a healing way. For more ideas on how to cope with loneliness, be sure to check out my youtube video.
BTW, my mission is help people love their lives so they never want to leave them.
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