A message if you feel like your love life sucks
Last week we spoke about how learning to nurture healthy relationships is important for thriving -
whether you’re partnered or not. But what if you’re just single and unhappy about it? What then? (By the way if that’s not you, this post may not be for you so feel free to skip this one, or read on if you’re curious anyway!)
I’ve walked alongside so many people in their singleness journeys and I’ve noticed a few things that define those people that are so often miserable about it from those who find a way to make the most of it. And here’s what I’ve learned:
1. Don’t Make Waiting Waiting
Just because you want a romantic life doesn’t mean you should put all of life’s adventures on hold until you find your romantic partner. Instead of waiting, may I suggest: volunteering, base jumping, diving, dancing, laughing, surfing, swimming, loving, gallivanting, hugging, painting, creating, cooking, hosting, reading, breathing, dreaming…
The Stoics (a bunch of dead philosophers who had some really profound ideas) saw the power in focus, specifically that in a world full of strife and hardship we shift focus onto the things we can control, and let go of the rest. In the world of dating and relationships, that means shifting your energy from the external (like waiting for that text or worrying about if they like you) to the internal (how you feel about THEM and how you take care of yourself).
💡Tip: Make a list of things you can control when it comes to your love life. What gives your life a sense of fullness, fulfillment, or adventure? Focus on doing more of those. Spoiler alert: it starts with self-love.
2. Practice Gratitude
Time for a little positive psychology wake up call. Flexing your gratitude muscle is the ultimate cheat code to tapping into the happiness that so often feels elusive. It can be so easy to drown in what's lacking.
But hear me out for a second - if you could feel better about your life, would you seize the opportunity? Because that’s the power of gratitude. No matter how lonely, tired, frustrated, or angry you feel (and no matter how justified those feelings are) - taking the time to tap into what you’re grateful for is practically guaranteed to help. No matter how much or how little you have, if you’re heart is beating and you’re got air in your lungs, you have power to do something with your life.
💡Tip: Create a daily gratitude journal. Write down three things you're thankful for, no matter how small. It's a game-changer.
⭐️ Bonus: Write a gratitude text, email, or letter to someone who has made your life better. Remember to be as specific as possible - instead of saying “I’m grateful for your friendship” try “I’m so grateful that you are always there to send me a supportive text when Ive had a bad day, and how you always know the right thing to say to make me feel understood. I’m grateful for the way you may life more fun - whether it’s reality TV shows or encouraging me to travel more. I’m grateful for the thoughtful way you always ask me if I need anything. It means the world.”
3. Believe that happiness is available to you now.
Destination anxiety is the notion that we’ll be happy when… (fill in the blank.) It sounds like this:
“I’ll be happy when I finally make $100k”
“I’ll feel like I can relax once I get that promotion”
“I’ll be happy when I’m married.”
Friends, it’s great to have goals in life, but what’s not great is attaching all your sense of value, worth, and happiness to if you achieve those goals or not. Your life is not a slot machine. Don’t wait to be happy only when you’ve hit the jackpot.
Rest is not a reward.
Happiness is not a destination.
Happiness is a state (meaning it’s normal not to feel it all the time) and it’s mostly dependent on what you focus on and the meaning you attach to it.
💡Tip: Instead try focusing on the abundance of the present moment.
“I have everything I need in this moment”
“I’m grateful for the friends who make me feel so loved”
This is also why gratitude is so powerful - it helps us harness the happiness in the present rather than focusing on the angst of what we don’t have yet.
4. Visualize Your Best Self
Imagine the best version of yourself, the one who's confident, content, radiating love and receiving love. Now, what steps can you take to become that person? How can you savor those steps and not be so focused only on the outcomes?
💡 Tip: Create a vision board. Stick up images and quotes that represent the person you aspire to be in your love life and beyond. Definitely include words and images that reflect how you want to feel with your future person, but then take a moment and think about all the other elements of your best life - who are you, who are you surrounded by, how are you spending your time, and how does it all feel? As you find yourself syncing up with the person you dreamed of becoming, you’ll have “pinch me” moments because you’ll be seeing your vision board come to life.
5. Tap into moments of everyday joy
Joy isn't just found in the big moments; it's woven into everyday life. A good book, a hot bath, sharing laughter with friends at a silly show—savor those small moments. The phrase “romanticize your life” is one I’m personally a fan of because it means romance in your life is not relationship-dependent!
💡 Tip: Create a joy jar. Jot down tiny moments in life that brought you joy and toss them in. On tough days (or at the end of the year), pull one out and read it for an instant mood lift.
⭐️ BONUS: Being around kids is one of the easiest ways to connect with simple joys. If you have the opportunity to, find ways to soak in their youthful energy. You could offer to visit a friend with kids, volunteer with children, or take a moment to play and be present with your own.
Love can be elusive sometimes, but loving your life everyday doesn’t have to be. Here’s to feeling empowered to making your season of singleness the best it can possibly be. 💖
- Dr. Therese 💜
BTW, my mission is help people love their lives so they never want to leave them.
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