How the “Elvis of relationships” can help you have a non-stressful Valentines Day
Have relationships that last even longer than your Stanley Bottle
Ahhh Valentine’s Day, you tricky bi**h.
Valentine’s Days of my past have been an anxiety-inducing jack-in-the-box of surprises. Some were filled with flowers, cards, and romantic gestures, others were spent moping alone on my sofa, and still others have been somewhere in between those two extremes.
As Valentine's Day approaches, we’ve got love on our mind whether we like it or not. One way to make it meaningful (whether you're single or coupled up or it’s complicated) is to learn a bit from John Gottman, the Elvis of research when it comes to relationships (or the Beyonce of relationships, whichever you prefer). If you don’t know him, you really should (ahem, ELVIS!). Research shows that our own wellbeing is rooted in the quality of our human relationships (both romantic and non-romantic) so learning from Gottman’s lifetime of research is bound to improve our own lives in one way or another.
With over four decades of research under his belt, Gottman is not your average relationship expert. His work, often referred to as the "Love Lab," involves researching couples' interactions in a detailed and scientific way. Through this, he identified key predictors of relationship success and failure.
Gottman's Key Concepts: The Recipe for Lasting Love
Now, let's break down some of Gottman's key findings and translate them into tips that can nurture not only romantic relationships but basically any kind of relationship.
1. Build Love Maps
Gottman emphasizes the importance of knowing your partner's world inside out, from their hopes and dreams to their deepest fears. This doesn’t just apply to romantic partners. So, whether you're planning a cozy Valentine's Day date or catching up with a friend, take the time to understand their world.
💡 Tip: Make it a habit to check in with your loved ones by asking open-ended questions that go beyond the surface and showing genuine interest in the stuff they care about.
Some examples of questions you could ask:
“What was the highlight of your day?”
“What is something that you dream of experiencing in the next year?”
“What’s something not many people know about you?”
2. Nurture Fondness and Admiration
In healthy relationships, both people maintain a deep-seated fondness and admiration for each other. Gottman found that expressing appreciation is a powerful antidote to relationship difficulties. Apply this principle to your relationships with friends, colleagues, or anyone you know by celebrating each other's wins.
💡 Tip: Mention something super specific you appreciate about someone. Alternatively, try to find something a loved one has achieved or accomplished that they’re proud of and celebrate it with them - perhaps by giving them a card or taking them for a celebratory coffee. Or you could just shout out something great they’ve done to people who don’t already know. Isn’t it an amazing feeling when someone else is bragging about you?
3. Turn Towards Each Other
Gottman highlights the significance of responding to our partner's bids for connection. This means being attuned and responsive, even in the little moments. In friendships and beyond, this translates to being present and supportive.
💡 Tip: Practice active listening and presence. Put away distractions when your friend or loved one talks, and use positive and engaging body language to let them know you’re focused intently on what they’re sharing. And when someone invites you to engage - perhaps by noticing something they find particularly beautiful or exciting - take a moment to share their enjoyment or excitement.
4. Solve Problems Together
Every relationship faces challenges and disagreements. Yes, even the healthy ones. Gottman encourages couples to view problems as opportunities for growth. Apply this principle to friendships by navigating through conflict in healthy and productive ways.
💡 Tip: Approach conflicts as a team. It’s not You vs. Me, rather it’s US vs. The Problem. In the Marvel franchise (I’m a big fan) this equates to when Captain America and Tony Stark finally put aside their differences to try and defeat Thanos who is the real enemy. Remember you’re on the same side, and work together to find compromises that honor each other's needs and feelings.
5. Create Shared Meaning
Successful couples often build a shared sense of purpose and meaning. This can be applied to friendships as well. Find common interests and values that deepen your connection.
💡 Tip: Do meaningful activities together that reflect values and interests you have in common. Try volunteering at a food bank or animal shelter, or a ceramics or cooking class. Connecting to something bigger than ourselves is always a good idea.
Love Beyond Valentine's Day
As Valentine's Day rolls around, let's celebrate love in all its forms, beyond just the traditional coupled-up romance. So, whether you're spending the day with a partner, friends, or enjoying your own company, here’s to continuously being the best version of ourselves and creating thriving relationships from every angle. With this in mind, none of us ever has to have a sucky Valentine’s Day ever again. ❤️
BTW, my mission is help people love their lives so they never want to leave them.
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