How Do You Make Friends As An Adult?
Most of us want more friends.
But today more than ever, people are struggling with HOW to make friends. Maybe we’ve been staring at screens for way too long, or maybe it’s because we’ve had to be isolated for forever.
But loneliness is a real problem, and one thing is for certain - if you don’t do anything to make more friends, you probably won’t be feeling less lonely anytime soon.
One of the hardest situations to try and make friends is moving to a new country. I mean, you’re literally going to a place where you might not know a single person, and you may not even know how to speak the local language. I’ve been in this exact situation so I know just how tough it can be.
So when you find yourself someplace new, how do you make your first friend? And how do you build a sense of community where you are? Today, I’m going to share 5 tips for how to make friends as an adult.
Why is it so hard to make friends?
So before we talk about how to solve the difficult task of making friends as an adult, let’s get a few things out of the way.
First, if you’re struggling to make friends, it’s not because you suck. It’s ridiculously common for people to experience difficulty making friends. That difficulty multiplies when you’re moving to a new town and multiplies exponentially when you’re moving to a new country (especially if you don’t speak the native language.)
Second, people generally hold the expectations that making friends should be easy, or happen quote un-quote “naturally.” This unreasonable expectation then leaves us feeling awful if we don’t make friends with minimal effort.
Third, because of this widely held belief that making friends should be a piece of cake, we aren’t often very intentional about the friend-making process. We can be quite passive about it - or rely on vague, unrefined methods (like, “Ok, I’ll sign up for a gym!”) which lead to disappointing results.
This is the equivalent of someone who hopes to become rich just sitting around waiting for it to happen, instead of making a plan to earn more. Or someone hoping to find love and never leaving their house. It’s not impossible, but there’s probably a better way to go about getting what you want.
1. To be more intentional about making friends - accept that some level of discomfort is a part of the process
If you do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get the same result.
Insanity is doing the same thing you’ve always done and expecting a different result.
When you’re willing to go outside of your comfort zone, shake up routines, and break out of old patterns, you allow room for magic to happen.
So join that meetup or facebook group. Take the dance classes. Or volunteer at the animal shelter. It doesn’t really matter that much WHAT you’re doing so long as it provides you the opportunity to meet some new people. The people you do meet may not all end up being YOUR people, but chances are you’ll connect with a person or two who you’d enjoy spending time with again.
And do yourself a favor - watch out for those pesky, unhelpful, judgmental thoughts that keep you stuck.
They can sound like:
“No one cool ever goes to these types of events” or
“I’m sure I won’t meet anyone I find interesting here.”
Something to keep in mind is that you’re going to be uncomfortable one way or another - so would you rather be uncomfortable in feeling alone or uncomfortable in the pursuit of connection and friendship?
2. You have to be willing to make an effort
There are three parts to making an effort that’s most likely to end with a positive result.
Engage
I can’t tell you how often I hear people talk about they went to one event and that “no one came up to them” so it obviously didn’t work. That’s like saying you want a million dollars and it didn’t fall from the sky so you’re quitting. You have to be willing to go out and introduce yourself. And beyond introducing yourself you have to be willing to ask questions from a place of curiosity and not just “how will this person meet my needs.” People tend to be repulsed if they feel a social interaction is too transactional. Challenge yourself to go out and introduce yourself to 5 different people. And ask each of those 5 people 3 questions.
b. Invite
It’s not enough to simply speak to someone. If you feel there’s enough of a connection that you think you’d enjoy hanging out with someone a second time, INVITE THEM. Stop waiting around for invitations. If there was a common interest you shared, like surfing or rock climbing, suggest that. Otherwise, go for a low key coffee or happy hour invite - and don’t be vague and say “we should hang out sometime”. Instead, suggest a specific date and time -they’ll suggest another option if that doesn’t work for them.
c. Follow Up
So often people have a great hang and then things just dissolve. Be sure to follow up if you haven’t heard from someone in a couple of weeks. You can check in, see how they are doing, and suggest another hang.
3. You have to overcome your negative self-talk/fears
Working in mental health, one of the things we learn is that so much of what holds us back today are past hurts. And despite what we think about it, bad experiences from the past can definitely still impact how we approach relationships today.
Take note of if your negative self talk is hindering your efforts to make friends.
Do you hear yourself saying things like:
“No one wants to be my friend”
“I’m all alone” or
“I’ll never make friends”
These limiting beliefs can stunt your efforts to form meaningful friendships and if you notice them, they must be nipped in the bud. Therapy is one way to work on your negative self talk, and there’s also lots of free and very affordable resources out there. One of my favorite books for negative self talk is called “Mind Over Mood” - linked for your convenience. By the way, this isn’t sponsored, I just love the book and use it with many of my clients.
4. Find people who love what you love. Making friends shouldn’t feel like getting a root canal - it can be fun!
Do you like cooking? Go to a cooking class!
Do you like RPGs? Go to an RPG meet up.
The trick here is to find ways to do what you love alongside other people.
Don’t overlook places like conferences, community service, or reddit boards. True story, once I met a friend on yelp after sending her a message of support when someone made a disparaging comment against her. She’s still one of my best friends to this day.
If you like ANYTHING there’s a way to find others who like what you like. Check facebook groups, meetups, or start your own!
By the way, what’s the most unexpected way you’ve made a friend? Please share in the comments!
5. Friendships are built on vulnerability
Many of us know being vulnerable is important to form connections... but how do we practice vulnerability? Here are 5 tips.
1. Ditch the perfectionism.
If you had the chance to be friends with a 100% perfect person - perfect look, perfect vocabulary, perfect job… or someone who was imperfect, maybe they cursed, maybe they were clumsy, or insecure, with whom would you rather want to spend time?
People don’t want perfect. So stop trying to be perfect, or trying to look cool, because it actually does the opposite of what you expect - it keeps people at arms length. Instead, OPEN UP. Let people in to the real, raw, mundane, unflashy sides of who you are. And while I’m not saying to share your deepest darkest secrets the first time you’re with someone, sharing your imperfections and vulnerabilities over time is a type of relational glue that keeps you connected.
2. Stop being so afraid of inconveniencing others.
. Relationships are built upon mutually inconveniencing/burdening one another! Ask for help, reach out for support, vent if you’re having a bad day. Relationships get closer when you mutually lean on one another.
3. Practice reciprocity for a balance of give and take in your relationships.
Instead of focusing on whether or not “burdening” someone, think about how you can create reciprocity in your relationship. Reciprocity in relationships is really a type of balance. It’s not transactional which is tit for tat, but rather, it’s the trust that if you give in a relationship, it will come back to you in time.
4. Put yourself in other people’s shoes.
Being able to connect to others in an empathic way is essential for healthy friendships. Empathy requires emotional attunement -being able to relate to what it’s like in someone else’s shoes. But it’s not enough just to relate to someone else - we have to be vulnerable enough to act upon what we are sensing, even if we could be wrong. If you sense someone has something on their mind, ask them if something’s wrong!
5. Ask questions.
Asking questions shows curiosity and interest. To make friends you must be willing to show that you’re interested in knowing about others. I know that as kids we often think that not caring is cool, but that couldn’t be further from the truth. It’s not enough simply to share about yourself. This isn’t an interview, after all! So, as one of my old therapy supervisors used to say - “Be naturally curious.”
Try to avoid questions like “What do you do?” and “Where are you from?” and instead go for more revealing and interesting questions, such as
-Where do you feel most at home and why?
-What’s something you want to do before the end of the year?
-When do you feel most alive?
One of my favorite ways to get to know other people is through the use of conversation cards. If you haven’t tried them, you’re missing out! Here’s a deck that I love if you want to know more (not sponsored!)
Making new friends takes effort, but most good things usually do. Keep this in mind and with a little effort, you’ll have a nice group of friends in no time. I hope you find your people soon!
Final thought, which is actually a question:
If you’ve had a really great friend before, what made them so great?
PS- be sure to check out my YouTube video on How To Make Friends
if you haven’t already.
BTW, my mission is help people love their lives so they never want to leave them.
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