Why is it so hard to ask for help?
Moving this ginormous glass-topped wicker table definitely a 2-person job. Yet every time I thought about texting someone to ask for help, I cringed.
It would be selfish of me to take up so-and-so’s time with this. Everyone is busy right now. This would be such an inconvenience to ask of someone.
So I steadied myself, took a deep breath, and lugged the table from my back garden, to the kitchen, to the hallway, out my front door, and down a flight of stairs, nearly losing my mind and definitely scratching some paint off the walls in the process.
I have always struggled with asking for help. Can you relate?
Even in the most obvious of situations where help is more a necessity than a preference, I have found myself continuously shrinking back from asking.
When other people tell me that achieving their amazing accomplishments happened because they got help from someone, I’m always like “Oh yeah, of course, we all need help!” But then time and time again, when I am faced with a situation where I’m in over my head and need a hand, I either:
A) Forget that asking for help is an option or
B) do every single thing in my power to get it done on my own.
Even though I know that the successful people I admire most all got there with the help of many others- I still struggle with seeing asking for help as an option.
Yes, I recognize the hypocrisy. I’m a therapist who regularly invites my clients to seek out help and support. On a daily basis.
Why is this obviously helpful thing so hard for some of us to do? The following reasons come to mind:
We think it makes us weak
We think it means that we’re not capable / incompetent
We’re afraid others will judge you
We’re scared to be vulnerable
Hyper independence was modeled for us, asking for help was shamed
We’re afraid to inconvenience someone
We forget asking for help is an option
It feels awkward - We don’t want to pressure or manipulate someone who doesn't want to help us.
We fear if people help us they have ulterior motives.
We saw someone take advantage of others help and we don’t want to be like them.
We’re afraid that people will reject our requests for help
““If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.” ”
If we don’t learn to ask for help, we limit our progress. We make things harder for ourselves when they could be easier. Not asking for help reinforces unhealthy expectations for ourselves, and sets up a standard that discourages vulnerability.
So now that we’ve established why it’s important to ask for help, here are some tips to help you get better at asking for help:
1. Start by asking for help with small, insignificant things.
That will make you feel less concerned that you’re asking too much, and will teach you that people are willing to help you. For example you could ask someone to bring you a glass of water if they’re getting themselves one, you could ask someone if they have the time, or if they know where the post office is.
You could ask someone for some tips on your outfit, or for advice on what the best show is to watch in their opinion. You could ask for a link to the recipe for something they tasted and you made. If you’re struggling with these options, you could try asking for help online.
Reddit message boards are one of my favorite ways to ask for help - because people are so open and willing to help. There’s a viral story of a person with anxiety who asked for help with how to order a sandwich at Subway, and people took the time to explain in detail step-by-step what to do at Subway. It was SO endearing.
None of these things are deal breakers, but just the experience of someone supporting you can give you a little more courage to keep asking for help.
2. Look for opportunities to help others.
The more you allow yourself to be a helper, the more likely you’ll see how much of a pleasure it can be to help, and you’ll feel less concerned that you’re bothering people. Can you help someone with their luggage? If you see someone visibly struggling, ask them if you give them a hand.
3. Give yourself permission to be in places where you know you’ll need help.
Nothing dangerous of course! For example, you could try taking those piano lessons you’ve been meaning to take, or hiring a personal trainer at the gym, or going to therapy. When you’re in a place when it’s someone’s job to help you, you’re less likely to feel bad about it.
4. Ask for help for the future you.
Think of a situation in the future where you’ll benefit from having help, and text 1-3 people asking if they can help you. This could be moving something like moving a big piece of furniture, or prepping for a party, or editing a piece of writing.
5. Do the inner work.
Speaking of going to therapy - what about unpacking those hyper-independent tendencies in therapy or at the very least, your journal? Ask yourself:
What has not asking for help cost you?
What has reinforced your discomfort with asking for help?
What beliefs about asking for help are not serving you and need to be reexamined?
Asking for help is a strength that’s bound to improve our lives and wellbeing and support us forming deeper connections with others. So if you really think about it, asking for help benefits you in more ways than one.
BTW, my mission is help people love their lives so they never want to leave them.
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