The People Pleaser’s Manifesto
The thing about people pleasing is that it feels so damn pleasant—at first. You’re the hero, the one who swoops in and saves the day, the "yes" person who makes everyone happy. But, and let’s keep it real, being the "yes" person can drain the life out of you.
As a recovering people pleaser myself, I’ve said yes to some pretty ridiculous things when I actually wanted to scream no from the rooftops. (I still feel scared by a wedding I volunteered to be a wedding coordinator for that was the most disorganized and chaotic event of all time.) If you’re anything like me, it’s probably because people-pleasing feels like a badge of honor. But here’s the thing: we don’t just wake up one day deciding to be people pleasers. We learn this stuff early—and for good reasons, too. But those reasons stick with us, and next thing you know, we’re walking around saying yes to everyone but ourselves.
Let’s break it down. We often people please because:
We were praised for doing what others wanted from an early age. That “good girl” or “good boy” validation? It sticks.
We learned that conflict is scary and should be avoided at all costs. If you’ve ever felt like saying “no” could end a relationship or start a fight, you know what I mean.
We were never encouraged to listen to our own feelings or have our own opinions. Instead, we focused on making sure everyone else was okay, because maybe that’s what kept the peace.
We learned to avoid our own difficult emotions and life experiences by focusing on others. Who needs to deal with their own stuff when there’s always someone else to “help,” right?
Pleasing others has become part of our identity; it’s scary to not know who we are without it. We’re the “helpful” one, the “reliable” one, the “fixer.”
We fear rejection so much that we avoid any possibility of being rejected. We think, “If I just keep everyone happy, I won’t be abandoned.”
The problem is, people-pleasing can take over your entire life. I love the phrase “Don’t set yourself on fire to keep others warm.” It’s like, YES, I want to help people, but not at the cost of burning myself out.
So how do you know if you’re setting yourself on fire? The one biggest clue is if you feel resentful, bitter, or angry. Sure, helping others is great, but if you’re starting to feel like everyone else’s emotional garbage can, it’s time to reassess.
Here’s how you can begin the process of breaking free from the
people-pleasing trap:
1. Celebrate Every Single NO
The first time you say “no” to something? It’ll probably feel super awkward, like riding a bike for the first time. Wobbly and weird. But here’s the trick—every no is a win. Every no is you choosing to protect your energy, and that’s worth celebrating like you just won an Olympic medal in boundaries.
2. Recruit Your Squad for Backup
If saying no feels too hard, that’s okay—ask a friend or therapist for support. Seriously. Text your friend and say, *“Help, I need to say no to this thing, but I’m panicking!”* Just having someone on your team cheering you on makes a huge difference.
3. Start with the Baby No’s
You don’t have to dive into the deep end right away. Start with small stuff—like turning down a coffee invite or saying no to staying late at work. You’ll find that even small wins build confidence. And slowly, you’ll get more comfortable with bigger no’s—without feeling like you’re letting anyone down.
4. Notice Who's On Your Team
Here’s the truth: Some people won’t like it when you set boundaries. And that’s... their problem, not yours. The real ones in your life will support you. Keep an eye out for those reactions—it says more about them than it does about you. Often, those who push back are the ones who’ve benefited from you not having boundaries in the first place. Boundaries will show you who’s on your team and who’s just taking advantage of your kindness.
5. Flip the Script: Make No Your Default
You know how your default response is usually yes? Let’s flip that. Instead of blurting out “sure!” to everything, practice saying no first. and give yourself a buffer before any yes. This buys you time to think—and keeps you from feeling boxed into commitments you don’t want. You could say something like, “Thanks so much for the offer. I’m probably not going to be able to make it, but if anything changes I’ll let you know!” Or, “Wow, that’s so kind of you to think of me. Let me think about it. Can I get back to you in 24-48 hours?” Giving yourself time to think means you’re less likely to overcommit.
6. Practice Saying and Doing Things Uncertain of Others' Approval
This is a big one. Take baby steps to do things that might not be celebrated by others. Wear that outfit that feels totally *you* but isn’t what you’d usually pick for work. Speak up about something that matters to you, even if others might disagree. This helps build trust in yourself and your own opinions.
The irony of people pleasing is that we do it to avoid rejection and keep everyone happy—but end up rejecting our own needs in the process. The best part about healing from this is that, over time, when you say YES, you’ll really mean it. No more resentful “yeses,” just ones that feel right, because they come from a place of energy, not obligation.
Here’s the takeaway: Start practicing saying no. It won’t always be easy, and it won’t always be fun, but the payoff is that you’ll stop burning out and start lighting yourself up. And trust me—when you give yourself permission to truly rest and restore, everyone benefits, especially you.
BTW, my mission is help people love their lives so they never want to leave them.
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